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E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (EWW Video)
Transcript -5. (the E.T. title card is shown) OK, CinemaSins. E.T. now? Why not Jaws while you're at it? Oh, wait. -4. It's not like this puddle would be very hard to avoid especially once the person goes through. Dude, couldn't have looked back and said, "Jim, Steve, watch out for the puddle!"? -3. Nothing like some bright headlights and keys jangling to make the thing you're hunting for unaware you're approaching. -2. E.T.'s race is a dick to E.T. -1. Also... did these aliens discover interstellar travel, but not radio communications? And aren't they telepathic or empathic anyway? I gotta say, it makes for a great, wordless opening to your movie! But where are the communication tools of this advanced alien race? 0. Don't worry E.T., we'll be back later when the danger is just as bad as it is now, only you'll have had a satisfying 2-hour adventure by then, so it'll be cool to come back at that time. 1. Also, why are they leaving him? If the spaceship can take off that fast then why not wait a few seconds? I mean, damn! 2. ("Five." "Oh, great. "So you got an arrow right through your chest?") Like most great D&D sessions, this one requires plenty of soda, snacks, air freshener and Raid. 3. Is this asshole requesting a radio station to play the Oak Ridge Boys "Elvira"? As a kid who grew up in Tennessee when that song was popular, I'm pretty sure such a request is a hate crime. 4. ("Plenty of sausage and pepperonis." "Everything but the little fishies.") What the f*ck are they telling Elliott what they want on a pizza? Isn't it ordered? Aren't they waiting for the pizza? Isn't that why the one dude said... 5. These kids even order pizzas like assholes. Like... ONE pizza. And you're pulling an all-night D&D game? You deserve all the radio stations playing "Elvira" on repeat from this point forward? The Dungeon Master says so. 6. The 80's: When it was perfectly okay to give your friend's mom's ass a wet willie. 7. If you're an E.T. that is hiding, why would you throw the ball back? Furthermore, why would you hide in this shed with all its lights on? 8. ("Coyote's coming back again, Mom.") No kidding! Peter Coyote is probably lurking around the corner as we speak. In fact, he's lurking while you're watching this video. HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! 9. ("A pizza? Who said you guys could order a pizza?") If it was such a big deal that these kids ordered a pizza, how did they think they were going to get away with it? And why are they leaving that pizza outside? Sure, some cheese got stuck to the box, but it's still pizza. 10. (as a creepy glowing alien E.T. scares Elliott away with scary annoying noises) Why didn't E.T. run before Elliott found him? He ran last time flashlights were near him. Why would this be any different? 11. (a bag of Reese's pieces are seen in Elliott's hands) This works. 12. Also, how does Elliott know where to start pulling the candy out? Why didn't he just go through the gate that E.T. clearly went through the night before and up into the forest that way? 13. (Elliott is lost in the forest with his Reese's Pieces) Not sure if E.T. is around here but some of those coyotes Michael mentioned in the previous scene might want to come out of the dark for some snacks. 14. E.T. lets Elliott know he wants M&M's instead of this bulls*it. 15. Less than a minute ago E.T. made it pretty clear by approaching Elliott he was willing to hang. Not sure why he needs this "breadcrumb trail" to get him to follow. 16. As if E.T. knows he's going to be shot with a camera angle that will make him more mysterious, he reaches for the Reese's Pieces from the stairs, when just seconds ago, he had a problem standing in front of Elliott. Probably because the lighting obscured his face just enough. I mean, he's a veteran of stage and film, so he knows how to play the audience. 17. (an alien hand knocks something off the table) Nobody in the house hears this. 18. (Elliott teaches E.T. to say his name by himself) E.T. is smart enough to know what Elliott is trying to tell him. He just don't give a f*ck! 19. ("It's a drink, you know, food?") And here's a bunch of ants all over my room from all this food and drink I leave lying around. 20. (Elliott is organizing his toys which nicknamed Greedo) Elliott's definitely in the "Greedo shot first" camp. 21. How did E.T. get all those stuffed animals to form a wall around him? Unless there was a production assistant there to help him? 22. This guy plays football AND wears a Space Invaders T-shirt. Not to mention, he plays D&D? Man, the girls in his school must be really confused on whether to date this guy. 23. Also, if E.T. was in that closet all night it's gotta smell right? Those stuffed animals are probably covered with urine and feces. 24. Look, I understand the reveal of Peter Coyote is gonna blow everyone's minds, and his character is listed as "Keys" in this movie! But what's up with the f*cking keys anyway? Why can't we show his face? Is he really all that mysterious? 25. Good thing E.T.'s biological and digestive system is just like a human's and he doesn't have any food allergies. 26. Movie inspires an awful Atari 2600 game that I played for a ridiculous amount of hours back in the day. 27. ("You're such a sinister primus!" "Zero charisma!" "Sinister primus!") Nerd rap battle. 28. Seems odd that Elliott gets to ride his bike to school, but Michael has to take the bus. And wasn't Mary driving Michael and Gertie to school the day before? 29. How would E.T. have the wherewithal to hide amongst the stuffed animals like that? And furthermore, why would he be worried about Mary finding him anyways? He has no reason to think she's hostile or means him any harm! 30. (a drink of V-8 is seen in the refrigerator) V-8. 31. From everything we've seen before like this, Elliott has gotten the food for E.T., so how does E.T. even know where the food is or how to open a refrigerator door? 32. So... E.T.'s getting drunk and by extension, Elliott gets drunk because of the bond they've made! So didn't E.T.'s buddies at the beginning of this movie know he was still alive and he was running towards the ship? 33. ("All right class, these are the cotton balls with the chloroform...") Thankfully, a kind man was selling these right outside the school in his white van. He said any of you were more than welcome to stop by for free candy on your way out today. 34. (E.T. is watching The Quiet Man on television and Elliott reenacts the scene with a girl in biology) Look, I know E.T. and Elliott are connected by alien magic, but he'd also have to be controlling Erika Eleniak's movements to make this work. Look, just because I love it doesn't mean I won't sin it! 35. And what the f*ck is this asshole doing? This is the first-ever c*ck-block turned into a c*ck-assist. 36. Apparently, all the kids got on board with Elliott's plan to free the frogs, even though moments ago, most of the frogs were being pushed into a glass case and the teacher must have gone to bang the janitor or something, because he's nowhere in sight. 37. (a principal Harrison Ford is sending Elliott to the principal's office) Jesus! How many frogs did this teacher get for the class? If the kids just threw 30 frogs out the window, and there's another 10 here, I'm guessing this school district has way too much money for frog purchases. 38. Let's see... a blender, a pencil sharpener, a Speak & Spell, a radio, some aluminum foil, and a popcorn maker. This is an orgy of evidence that E.T. has no clue what the f*ck he's doing! 39. (Gertie is now watching television for good reason) She's leaving Gertie by herself at five? Mother of the year. 40. Wait a minute. Are you saying Gertie's room connects to Elliott's through the closet? So when we see the closet from this angle we see everybody standing in front of a wall, and the exit to Elliott's room is on the right. On the left, there's a bunch of clothes hanging, and in front of them, E.T. is standing in front of a wall. So how is this closet possible? 41. How is Mary the only one that never walks in on these shenanigans? 42. ("Oh, I wish I would have listened in science!") "No kid says s*it about science unless they are harboring an alien." 43. So, do this kind of closet have convenient adjustable blinds? I don't remember being able to do this with closet doors before! But then again, E.T. is about to build a space radio using a pencil sharpener, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised. 44. You gotta love those 1980s visual effects. 45. I know their mom is just ASSUMING that's Gertie, but Jesus... does she not notice her daughter has shrunk by a full foot? The least E.T. could do is crane his neck to get the height right. 46. Also, moments ago we saw the G-men listening to the conversations in the house, meaning that the house is bugged. How the f*ck do they not know E.T. is out with the kids right now? 47. (a group of people in the neighborhood are going trick or treating in the neighborhood) Method trick-or-treating. 48. (E.T. is wearing a white sheet in the middle of the road) I know how this movie connects to Star Wars and it's almost sin-removal worthy! But I'm a dick so in this universe, Star Wars movies and toys exist, Elliott showed E.T. his Star Wars action figures earlier, meaning this movie has effectively made Star Wars a documentary. 49. Also, Star Wars is famously "a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...", so how the f*ck does E.T. know Yoda? I know in the Star Wars prequels we see E.T.s, so not that it really matters but if I gave this movie the benefit of the doubt, I suppose it's possible E.T. read the Star Wars Silmarillian. 50. ("Be back one hour after sundown, so later.") Who the f*ck gives an arbitrary time to be back like one hour after sunset? Is Mary afraid of vampires? Why shouldn't she just say be back at eight o'clock like a normal f*cking parent? 51. Keys and his goons have been all over this forest every night, but conveniently aren't when Elliott and E.T. are out in the open. 52. Hmm... remove a sin for the famous moon shot or add a sin for the Bruce Almighty moon? I guess I have to go with my gut and do the right thing! 53. Elliott pedals his bike fruitlessly as a magic alien makes it fly. Yeah, yeah. We'd ALL pedal the bike even though there's almost no friction, but I'm sinning it anyway. 54. I guess these assholes knew that Mary would be driving out of here any moment so that they could do their Men in Black s*it in the now-empty house. 55. This Rube Goldberg space phone is actually working. 56. Not only did the G-men know that Mary would leave the house, but that it would take just long enough to do all this s*it in the house. 57. (Elliott got home after a bike ride with E.T.) Elliott managed to get into the house without the usual noises of a door opening and closing. Also, despite Elliott looking near-death, he biked all the way back up here. 58. (as Mary needs Gertie a bath) Why is Gertie the designed "bath-drawer"? Make that lazy-ass Michael do it! He's older! But I guess she knows that Elliott needs Michael to go find E.T. later, I mean... wait. 59. No one will remain seated during the exciting "car follows bike at a safe distance and speed" scene. 60. I guess Keys and his crew have been seeking out all the short cuts preparing for a future chase scene. 61. Also, has no one reported the mysterious car that's been creeping through the neighborhood every night for the past week? 62. (a car makes squealing noises) Why are the tires squealing? Dude's going maybe 5. 63. I'm assuming there's a rational explanation for how Michael piles a near-dead E.T. in the basket of his bicycle. He and Elliott needed each other's help putting him in the basket earlier, but sure... this kid can lift him off the ground, carry him up the hill, and put him neatly in the basket all by himself. 64. Took these assholes long enough. 65. Nothing to see here, folks. Just trying to get exercise in! 66. Thus begins a full 15 minutes of E.T. dying. 67. Seriously, these look like astronaut suits and not hazmat suits, right? Must've been the costume designer's day off and Spielberg just said f*ck it, close enough! 68. Why do they have to push the quarantine tube down the road? Why don't they have their equipment right in front of the house? Sure, it makes for a dramatic shot but it also adds unneeded strain to workers who are probably already stressed out from learning Donald Trump will be President in 35 years. 69. Meanwhile, Elliott's neighbors are conspicuously quiet during the government raid. 70. Ahhh! Peter Coyote! 71. ("He doesn't have four nucleotides like we do. He has six.") Yeah, but how many midichlorians? Did you count those? What about his Thetan levels? 72. (the G-men are reverting his son and the glowing alien back to normal) They yada-yada'd the s*it out of that plot point. 73. This is a beautifully shot and a sad scene, but f*ck Spielberg. He knew exactly what he was doing. 74. ("He loves you.") The power of love brings E.T. all the way back from the dead, as if he didn't feel it until Elliott said it. 73 (during sin removal). ("E.T. phone home!") Gotta say, the 5-year old me is removing a sin for this. 74 (again). ("Does this mean they're coming?" "Yes.") How does E.T. know what that means? S*it man, if you knew what that meant, why don't you say something more than "E.T. phone home"? 75. The fact that Elliott is in any way allowed to walk through this tube and approach the supposedly dead alien coffin. 76. So, did Michael manage to get the keys to this van somehow, or did the G-men leave the keys in the ignition? 77. ("Get the bikes! Meet us at the playground on the top of the hill!") Mike screams his instructions to his friends loud enough, so everyone knows exactly where they're going. 78. If E.T. 2 were ever made, Michael would be in jail the whole time serving his consecutive life sequences for the two doctors he brutally murdered. 79. Jeez, all these government agencies and they can't stop this car from backing out of the driveway? 80. ("Let's split up!") What is THAT going to do? They're going to chase after the bike that has the E.T.-shaped lump in the basket, right? I mean, what did that do? None of the cars can follow ANY of those bikes, so what did separating get them? 81. (E.T., Elliott and the gang ride their bikes in front of the sinking sun) The sun is sinking at an alarming rate, guys. I think with this, and the moon, we should probably start recycling more. 82. ("Be good." "Yes.") She doesn't. 83. Come on, dude! Do you know how much bulls*it we went through to come back? Get your ass on this ship, doofus! 84. None of the other G-men manage to make it to this clearing, despite knowing where the UFO alien landed the first time. 85. Maybe on his next visit E.T. will have learned the art of f*cking giving people a warning before you stick that penis-shaped glowing finger in their face. 84 (during sin removal). (the spaceship doors close on E.T. leaving Elliott in the forest) Aw, shucks! I can't hate anything in this movie! I mean come on, that John Williams score! E.T. gets to go home. We all learn a valuable lesson about alien pets. I gotta remove a sin or else the sin counter's gonna break and magically get revived again. Total Amount of Sins Sin Tally: 84 Sentence: 7th Rock from the Sun Category:EWW Videos Category:Videos